[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
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My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
You learn something every day
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.