bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
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[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The cashier just checked me out.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.