Fries, not lies.
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ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I would move hell over six inches for you
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out