I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
The struggle is real.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do