My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
The Compass
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”