I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
You Might Also Like
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.