I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.