Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
🙅🏻
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
🙀🙀🙀😹
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
President The Rock Obama
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.