Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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how do y’all walk in shallow water
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Leaving the Barbers like
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.