I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?