in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Happy Taco Tuesday
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.