I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
peeping toms
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks