All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I thought this was funny lol
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My last name is Zilla.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Good morning, Twitter x
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing