Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
You Might Also Like
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
finally
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
*sewing*
A thread
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate