Feels like there should be a middle ground
You Might Also Like
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?