“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
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Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it