Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners