What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”