Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?