Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.