Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
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[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Where is your GOD now????
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.