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Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.