I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
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Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Nice try, NASA
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite