Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
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It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference