you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
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If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.