exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate