My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
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*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
a god among men
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]