The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
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My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Mhm.