You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
You Might Also Like
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.