When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.