Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
couldn’t resist
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog