Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.