My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
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All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo