Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
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I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Best mom ever 😂
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday