Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh