Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Awwwww shit.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
don’t be scared
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete