Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.