Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
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If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.