My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
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Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*