If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
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To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
FRED: right
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
OH. COME. ON.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*