jesus, what did this guy do
You Might Also Like
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?