If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”