what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
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BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Wikigenius
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff