Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
This raises questions
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Inside you there are two wolves
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.