[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”