Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
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“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Ken is short for chicken
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
channeling her this year
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.