The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
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interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????