husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I want what they have
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!