Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
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It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Ape together strong
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.