As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
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I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
getting old is fun
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
new year update: losing everything but weight
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night